In practicing law for over 25 years, I have seen the worst and best in human behavior. It's strange and sad how people can become so vindictive over money while others become strong through the process. I often struggle over how to encourage my clients to get beyond the primacy and recency of the pain, anger and depression of the battle.
The client who has been wronged has reason to seek justice and fair compensation, but be careful not lose perspective in the process. What does it profit to gain the whole world, but lose one's soul?
When my client has done the wrong, she must consider how to make amends, not just by financial means but in ways that are actively purposeful. I have seen people, including myself, "caught" in bad behaviors who want to make excuses or blame others. Blame and deflection may appease the guilt for a moment, but it does nothing for the deeply rooted soul issues.
The following is taken from an article by Joe Dallas, who provides some insights on things to "look for" if someone is genuinely repentant and signs that she is "getting better." I like Mr. Dallas's points, but I caution not to be too rigid and demanding if you don't see each point being achieved. It's not a very gracious person who expects all the "shoulds" to be met quickly. There is no litmus test and GRACE must be paramount; however, a desire for change is evidence of true repentance.
The following are some things that "should" be seen, but be careful that you don't "should" on your partner:
1. Action
Concrete steps to distance himself from certain behaviors. If internet porn was the problem, he’ll get a block, a filter, an online accountability device or he’ll get off the computer altogether. If she had an affair, you’ll see her distance herself once and for all from the other party. Concrete action is mandatory if trust is to be rebuilt.
2. Attitude
Humility and zeal, rather than resentment on for having to take the steps, are evident. There will instead be the reasonable humility of the Prodigal Son who said, in essence, “I know things can’t be the same right now, not after what I’ve done. But let me be in relationship with you anyway, and I’ll do what’s necessary to restore our bond.” (Luke 15: 18-21). On the other hand, if the attitude is flippant about "What's the big deal?" then you are not seeing one truly repentant.
3. Accountability
There ought to be specific times regularly to give an account to a third party about handling temptations. He won’t scoff at this because he’ll realize that, left to his own devices, he’s too susceptible. Accountability is a must. Often times a slip can be a way to learn where she can check to see if there are "chinks in the armor."
4. Awareness
You’ll see a growing awareness on the pain she has caused you, along with a growing appreciation of your forgiveness and love. She’ll realize that her ongoing recovery and sanctification are not all about her. The union between you makes you both vulnerable to ups and downs in ways one can barely imagine.
5. Aspiration
You’ll see your spouse aspire to be more intimate with God in devotional life. Failure can be a terrific textbook, teaching us about weakness and potential.
As you consider if the person who has wronged you is doing these things, keep in mind God will call you to look at yourself also. It may be time to examine these areas of your own life that may need correcting. Prayerfully watch as God does the redemptive work of causing grace to “much more abound” where there was sin (Romans 5:20) and turn what was meant for evil into good.
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