My Momma had cookie jar shaped like an apple. It was bright red and quite nice; however, she placed it on a shelf in our kitchen where I was prone to walk by and knock off the lid of the jar. Momma got pretty annoyed over how many times I knocked over the jar or broke the lid.
Funny that she never moved the jar. Hmmm...well, that's for another post. [Momma, you know I love you and I am not holding anything against you...at least I don't think I am. :) ]
Time and time again, I would knock over the jar or knock off the lid. Over and over, I would pick up the pieces and glue them back together. After a while, the lid should have been able to bounce for all the Elmer's glue that it had in it. That lid and jar had a lot of chipped places, scars and cracks, but it still held some sweet delectable cookies.
I think after some time, Momma threw the cookie jar away because it began to look pretty bad. It was still functional, but it was...ugly.
That old cookie jar is not unlike me. It ,and I, have many cracks, chips and broken places that have been glued and re-glued and re-glued back together. The broken places in our lives are from deep-seeded wounds, false beliefs about ourselves. They are...ugly.
It has been the continuing work of Christ by the Holy Spirit mending those wounds and broken places that makes the person I am. Looking at the jar (me), you might see all the scars and cracks. Perhaps what you see is...ugly, but inside there is some really good stuff: the goodness of Jesus.
How we see ourselves is often filtered through deep-seeded false beliefs. I recently heard Troy and Melissa Haas of Restore Ministries share how statement, behavior, event, circumstances and even non-verbal cues, such rolling of the eyes, sighing or tone of voice, can trigger false beliefs that we have about ourselves.
Those false beliefs can create an internally processed or externally expressed reaction. Typically, the false beliefs create a toxic reaction because we filter what we hear by the deep-seeded false beliefs.
Filter (False Beliefs) Toxic Reaction
Self-focused
"I am bad" "I'm a jerk
"I am unworthy" "You're better off without me"
"I am defective" Self-pity
"I am uniquely screwed up"
Self-Protective
"I am a disappointment." Blaming
"I am a failure" Placating
"I am inadequate" Withdrawing
"I am incompetent" Denying
Minimizing
"I am unloved" Rationalizing
"I am undesirable" Justifying
"I am unacceptable"
Punishing
"I am invisible" Being Sarcastic
"I am unimportant" Criticizing
"I am insignificant" Neglecting
Threatening
"I am unsafe" Abusing
"I am powerless"
"I am a victim"
All or Nothing Thinking
"I am alone" "You always..."
"I am on my own." "I can never please you."
"I am responsible for all this" "You never..."
Your spouse is uniquely created as your helpmate, not your doormat. He/she has been created by God to help you, not enable your bad behaviors. When you see a reaction in yourself or your spouse, evaluate if there is a coinciding core false belief at. I cannot "fix" my wife, but I am uniquely placed in her life to speak truth, in love, to help her overcome some false beliefs about herself. She is uniquely placed in my life above all others to compassionately speak truth into my life to help me overcome deep-seeded false beliefs.
For example, suppose I have a habit of responding to a statement, behavior, non-verbal cues, events or circumstances with being sarcastic, critical, neglectful or abusive, then PERHAPS, I have false core belief of feeling invisible, unimportant, insignificant, unsafe, powerless or playing the victim. If my wife coddled my reactions or "walked on eggshells" to prevent my reaction, she would be co-dependent and enabling; however, if she were to consider the deeper core belief and ask me about how I am really feeling, then she could compassionately share truth or share a scripture that would help me, not enable me.
The following is excellent exercise in affirming your spouse, not enabling him/her:
- Each spouse considers his/her core false belief and writes it on sheet without the other spouse seeing what has been written (this works best spontaneously without seeing the false belief in advance or having time to think about a response)
- Each spouse is facing each other
- One at time, each spouse tapes his/her false belief on his chest
- Then he/she shares how this false belief creates a feeling, limitation, struggle
- The other spouse listens and then writes WHY this false belief is FALSE and then shares with his/her spouse verbally WHY the belief that his/her spouse feels about themselves is FALSE. It's important not to accuse, shame or belittle the spouse for his/her false belief. For example, if my wife were to say that she had the false belief of being unloved, I would not say "That's a stupid thing to say!" Instead, I would share HOW and WHY she is lovable and loved.
- Next, tape what you have written and shared to COVER your spouse's core false belief
- Next, the other spouse shares writes down his/her core false belief and tapes to his chest and his/her spouse compassionately writes down truth, compassionately speaks truth and tapes the truth over his/her spouse's false belief.
For more information about this powerful exercise, you may consider contacting Troy and Melissa Haas at www.restorelife.us . Of course, this can be done one-on-one, but doing the exercise with others in a trusting, confidential small group is very powerful.
Many of people have many core false beliefs about themselves, but there may be ONE in particular that is overwhelming. Few people want to do the work to identify and share his/her false belief. Sadly, many spouses don't want to take the time or effort to speak compassionate truth to help his/her spouse see the truth.
All too often we want our spouse to be FIXED...QUICK. We don't want to be a part of the solution, but if we see ourselves as the ONE person uniquely gifted and designed to help our spouse overcome his/her core false beliefs (brokenness), we would have more compassion and less passion.
You get my point here? Many of us PASSIONATELY share the truth like a hurricane. Once the hurricane has blown through the "passionate person" feels better, but everyone around him has been devastated. COMPASSIONATE truth is the way. Gently picking up the pieces and gluing them back together is process.
I wish I could tell you that I have it all together and that I have been the "model" husband, father, son, employee, employer and attorney. I have NOT. I am a broken cookie jar with lots of chipped places and many scarred and mended wounds. Yet God has done and is doing a work in my life. In this "earthen vessel" lives the Spirit of God in Jesus. As I yield to Him, I pray that others will see His work and not all of chipped, broken and glued and re-glued, mended ugly spots. Yet, if they do, then they are just not looking deep enough.
If I only see the scars, chipped and broken places in my spouse, friends, staff, clients, or adversaries, then perhaps I am just not looking deep enough. This is not to say that I should put up with bad behavior and enable bad character. Others should not enable bad character and bad behavior in me either. However, if I take the time to see things a little bit differently, it may help me say and do the right thing, compassionately, to help others re-glue and mend the broken cookie jar.
As always, if there is anything I can do for you personally or professionally, please do not hesitate to call.
Many blessings.
Mark
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