The Upside of Chaos

My chaotic year is not quite over, but it’s drawing to an end. I hope.

The world of litigation is already high stress and often times chaotic, but add to that:

1.The death of a family member,

2.    Chairing a national advance conference in California,

3.    Organizing another conference on addictive behaviors (a chaotic subject on its own),

 

4.    Going months without clients paying timely,

5.    Speaking at a conference in Texas on marital issues,

6.    Transitioning with staff leaving and coming,

7.    Training new staff and attorneys,

8.    Moving server into the cloud to better serve our clients,

9.    Discovering that staff member had been stealing from the firm (not clients, Thank God),


10.  Being diagnosed with major depressive disorder,

11.  Negotiating new space/lease (looking at spaces, negotiating leases and tenant improvements is time consuming),

12.  Renovating the office (what a mess as desks are pushed in painting, re carpeting and carpentry),

13.  Setting up an attorney with remote access (if you have not converted from a local area network to a cloud server, then you don't know how chaotic this can be),

14. Working on several multi-million dollar cases  (not that I will ever see any of the money; I am defending these cases),

15.  Increasing the  the work load and the deadlines,

16.  Assisting out of town family diagnosed with terminal disease,  another with chronic addiction and all getting older,

17.  Navigating the changes in tax and health care plans (like most small businesses, I find it very difficult to plan ahead for impact of the Affordable Health Care Act),

18.  Making changes to address the internal theft issues.

 

That’s a lot to handle. Okay, I know it’s not divorce, bankruptcy and death; however, with ALL of these struggles , the  dark shadows of divorce, bankruptcy and death cast an ominous presence. It’s a been a rough year.

We are nearing the end of 2013. In three months we will be ending this year and starting another. I have no idea if 2014 will be better, worse or the same. To say that that life has been messy, chaotic if you will, minimizes what it’s been like.


I like things to be tidy and organized. I don't like tools  missing or a job incomplete. I don't like the fact that we are remodeling the office is messy. Light swithces are missing covers and I don't like it. The baseboards and flooring will not come in for another month so things will be disrupted again and we will have to move furniture and fixtures again. I don't like it. It's messy.

It seems  like a hurricane has come through and everything has been disrupted.  Much of what I have taken for granted has been blown away: financial security, trust, comfort that family "always" will be there and even my personal emotional/mental well-being.
 

Through it all, the foundation was solid: my relationship with God has sustained me, even when I was distant from Him. My wife and children continue to bless me. Friends remain a solid bedrock. We have a continued flow of clients. Finances are improving and I feel better.

Like the aftermath of a hurricane, the skies are clear and the air is clean. There is devastation and destruction that remains to be cleaned up, but there is a chance to rebuild. We can make some changes, if necessary.  Swept away are the junk, cobwebs and dust that we have ignored.

It's messy, but I believe there is purpose in messiness. Order cannot be restored if there is no chaos. Change cannot occur without a need for change. Contentment sometimes leads to complacency. Disruption, chaos and messiness force change.

Rabbi Kula, in his book “Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life” provides a spiritual framework for accepting that messiness is part of life's pilgrimage. Rather than trying to escape it, he argues, we should realize that a certain messiness is the fabric of life itself. The challenge is where we will allow our yearnings to carry us in this pilgrimage through the mess.

Years ago Michael Yaconelli wrote a book, “Messy Spirituality: God’s Annoying Love for Imperfect People.”  We spend most of our lives worried about what we don't do instead of what we have done, focused on our imperfections instead of God's fondness for the imperfect.

Yaconelli, who founded Youth Specialties ministries  and died in 2003, dared to suggest that imperfection, infiniteness, and messiness are, in fact, the earmarks of true Christianity; that real Christianity is messy, erratic, lopsided . . . and gloriously liberating.

Genuine faith begins with admitting we will never have our act completely together.  Maybe messy disciples are exactly the kind of imperfect people Jesus came to earth for and whose company he actually enjoyed--and still enjoys. Look for Jesus  in the midst of burned-out believers, moral misfits, religious incompetents . . . messy people.

 

Okay, I get it. I embrace the messiness, but I look forward to the lessons learned and a  level of order, peace and consistency.. at least for a while. I will give myself a break that it won’t all come together like I want. I'm not perfect, and neither are the people I work for, with and against.


I suppose that as long as the switch is on and there is light IN this messiness then  it's okay that the light cover is missing ... at least for a while longer.